Why “letting go” of the pressure around feeding your family is helpful for you and your kids
As parents and caregivers we want our kiddos to eat, grow, and learn to enjoy a variety of foods. Sounds simple enough, right? Yet so often, we find ourselves using pressuring tactics to “get” our kiddos to eat more food or to eat more or less of certain foods. You’re not alone! But, I want to present the idea that pressuring our kiddos to eat doesn’t have to be the answer – and in fact, it ends up backfiring on us in the long run.
I’m guilty of pressuring my kiddos to eat – and I know better! It often happens when we have some place to be and I just know they’ll be hungry and irritable later if we don’t eat something before (particularly if there won’t be food wherever we’re going, or I’m not prepared with enough packed snacks). But food and mealtimes are so often an area that our kids want and need to express their growing minds and personalities. It’s where they exert their independence, practice new skills, and build confidence. So me asking them to eat when they aren’t hungry, results in an unnecessary battle at the table. Sound familiar?
Let’s first look at the various forms of pressure, because you might be surprised where kiddos feel pressure at the table. Keep in mind, each kiddo is going to have their own reaction and feelings toward pressure. In any case, we are looking to minimize pressure around food and feeding overall!
What does pressure look like?
Using rewards – This can take on many forms. For example, we might reward our kiddo’s behavior with food (a cookie for “behaving” the way you wanted them to at an event). Or “Great job eating all of your dinner. That means you get to watch TV before bed!” I think one of the most common rewards, however, is, “You did a good job eating all your dinner. Now you get dessert!”
Bribing – “If you eat your chicken first, you can have more bread.” Or “if you eat your veggies, we’ll go outside and play.”
Praising/connecting eating behaviors to their personality or character – For example, “You did such a great job eating your dinner; what a good girl/boy.” “You’re such a good/picky eater.” “Strong/smart/ [fill in the blank] kids eat their veggies. If you want to be, strong, you have to eat your veggies!”
Using distractions - If used to encourage eating, this can be a covert form of pressure. Using TV or iPads may encourage mindless eating or be used as an incentive to eat.
Creating rules for how much or what kiddos must eat – I.e., “You have to take a least one bite of everything on your plate.” The “no thank you bite” is also a rule that I often encourage ditching. It seems innocent enough, but for some kiddos, taking bites of new foods can be very overwhelming.
Guilting – I know it can feel frustrating when you make a meal and your kids don’t want to eat it, but I can almost guarantee that it’s not because they aren’t grateful, or they’re trying to be difficult. Fight the urge to say anything along the lines of, “I spent a long time making this meal, and you don’t care/aren’t grateful, etc.” We don’t want our kids eating food out of obligation or fear of hurting our feelings. Another example of this is the classic, “There are starving kids that would be grateful for this food.”
Begging/coaxing – Pleading with your kiddo to “just take a little bite” or “just one more bite.”
Forcing – This is when you are physically trying to put food in their mouths, and they are communicating to you they are not hungry or ready to try that food.
Restricting – Limiting what or how much of a food your kiddo can eat. I.e., “you’ve had enough bread, no more for tonight.” ***It’s okay to say, “let’s make sure everyone else has had another piece of bread if they want one. If they don’t, you can have more, but we want to be fair,” if there’s only a certain amount of that food for the meal. Or to say, “We are going to save the rest of the grapes for other meals this week, so what’s on the table is what we have for tonight,” as long as there are other safe foods they can turn to if they are still hungry.
Placing food on a pedestal or food shaming – This looks like praising certain foods because they are “healthy/good for you,” and encouraging kiddos to eat more of those foods. On the other hand, food shaming might look like, “That food is so “unhealthy/bad for you.” We shouldn’t be eating that anyway.”
Withholding food – This implies that food is something to be earned, not something that our bodies need to survive. One example might be, “No snacks until you clean your room.”
Disguising food – This one may have mixed opinions but is a very common one, especially when it comes to hiding veggies in food. I don’t always see this as a major form of pressure, especially if your kiddos are also seeing vegetables in their whole form or other variations – or maybe you let them know that the sauce/meatballs/soup has vegetables in it. But, for some kiddos it might feel deceptive – so it’s a form of pressure to be mindful of and gauge for your family.
Did any of these forms of pressure surprise you? It’s totally okay if they did! And give yourself some grace if you’ve used them in the past. Most of the time, pressure comes from a place of concern about getting enough energy and nutrients for our kiddos or wanting them to enjoy a variety of foods.
If you’re unsure about whether your kiddos might be feeling pressure, be curious about the intention behind what you are saying, doing, or asking. If there is an underlying motive to “get” your kiddo to eat a food/eat more food, or “get” them to eat less of something/less food overall, then there is likely pressure involved.
What happens when we “let go” of the pressure?
When we take a more relaxed attitude toward food at meals and snacks, our kiddos are allowed to try food at their own pace, accept new foods at their own pace, and listen to their body’s hunger and fullness cues. Depending on their age, they may not be able to verbalize how they are doing this, but given adequate time with zero pressure, you’ll likely notice a shift in behavior and mood at meal and snack times. You might even find that your “picky eater” isn’t as picky as you thought! Give it time, though.
Bonus, when you’re not worried about pressuring them to eat, you feel less stress and pressure on yourself - and our kids notice that too!
{What if I’m worried about my kiddo getting enough energy or missing out on certain nutrients? …}
If you’re truly worried about your kiddo getting enough to eat or enough of certain nutrients, remember that what they eat over the course of the day or week all contribute to getting “enough” nutrients and energy. Remember that, when kiddos are provided adequate amounts of safe foods throughout the day – alongside a variety of food and new foods in a pressure-free environment – they are pretty good at intuitively meeting their own energy needs. There certainly are considerations for kiddos that may need additional help due to pediatric feeding disorders or other medical concerns, so I also recommend seeking the advice and expertise of your pediatrician and/or a pediatric dietitian that can assess their intake.
