Take the stress out of family meals - 5 ways to build a positive mealtime and connect with your kids
Does this scene feel familiar to you?
It’s the end of a long day and you just spent time – whether it’s ten minutes or an hour - preparing dinner for your family. After several reminders to come to the table, someone announces they don’t like what you made - “I don’t want that, I want [fill in the blank with their favorite meal]; someone else wants to eat in front of the TV, and another kiddo is upset about something that happened at school. Sounds like a recipe for a stressful mealtime.
There are certainly a number of scenarios around mealtime that make family meals feel stressful, chaotic, or exhausting. It’s not always easy planning and preparing meals for a family of individuals, each with unique taste preferences and needs. On top of that, it’s natural to want to make sure your kiddos are eating enough to meet their energy and nutrient needs and trying to “get them to eat” feels like a battle.
But, with often busy schedules, family meals can be a rare opportunity to have everyone together to connect. So how do we make mealtime an enjoyable experience to look forward to again?
Here are a handful of tips:
1. Build a Routine
o Having a predictable routine around mealtimes can make that transition to coming to the table less stressful or distracting. Try giving family members a warning of 5-15 minutes before the meal will be ready. This allows kiddos to continue playing without feeling like their play is being interrupted abruptly when you announce dinner is ready – or for older kiddos, it gives them a chance to come to a stopping point in their homework, book, game, etc.
o Set expectations around handwashing before and/or after eating, setting the table, or how to handle dishes after the meal – and then make that a part of the mealtime routine. Make sure the expectations match the age and readiness of your kiddos!
o Try to keep mealtimes around the same time each day. I totally understand this may not be possible if everyone has different schedules and activities. If that’s the case, try putting mealtimes on a family calendar that everyone has access to – even if that time changes every day of the week or family meals only happen a few times per week. Keep everyone in the loop!
2. Set the Table
o This idea won’t be too shocking, but attempt to minimize distractions at mealtime from phones, TV, tablets – you get it. Now, I’m not opposed to kiddos bringing a toy or stuffed animal to the table. For some kiddos that find mealtimes anxiety-provoking or need a comforting object nearby, this can be very helpful. My recommendation would be to have them “park” the object somewhere safe while they eat, either on the chair with them or at the top of their place setting to minimize it becoming a distraction.
o Depending on age and readiness, try serving dinner family style. I know my oldest feels really proud of himself when he gets to use the big serving spoon to scoop his food. It builds confidence and skills. It also allows you to be present at the table because it minimizes the number of trips up from the table to grab more food if your kiddos want additional servings.
o Maybe you have young kiddos that would find using fun plates and bowls, or special utensils more exciting for dinner. Do you NEED to buy new plates or bowls to make mealtime more enjoyable – definitely not! But if you like the idea and think your kiddos would too, then give it a shot with fun seasonal or holiday-themed items.
o Along those same lines, make sure the utensils, plates, and bowls are matched to your kiddos’ feeding skills. Using utensils that are too big, or too difficult to scoop/poke food with for them, may make the meal unintentionally frustrating for your kiddos.
3. Keep the Convo Light!
o Don’t let food talk dominate the conversation. It’s absolutely okay to talk about the food you are eating but keep it positive or neutral. If someone at the table doesn’t like a food, let them know they can say, “this is not to my taste preference,” or just choose not to say anything, but phrases like, “this is yucky!” or “this is gross!” are not accepted. We want to honor that everyone has individual taste preferences and not make a big fuss over it!
o Take the pressure off trying foods and ditch the “no thank you” bite. Not just as kids, but even as adults, we might require multiple exposures to a food before we decide to try it or decide that we like it. Give kiddos the space and autonomy to figure that out for themselves – you might be surprised when they finally decide to take that first bite on their own.
o Don’t compare how much or what siblings are eating or comment on how “well” or “poorly” they are eating! These comments either create shame or communicate to kiddos that eating is a way to earn praise or compete with their siblings rather than an opportunity to listen to and nourish their bodies.
o Don’t use food as a reward – either requiring them to finish their dinner before getting dessert or try a certain food before they can leave the table. There are so many examples of how we use food as a reward – and I get it – it often works in the short term. But again, it puts those rewarded foods on a pedestal and doesn’t allow kiddos to honor their body’s hunger and fullness.
o When it comes to how we talk about the nutrition content of food - don’t overly praise certain foods or talk negatively about any particular food. This can feel like pressure for kiddos to eat foods they may not be ready to try yet or make them feel ashamed about their favorite foods.
o So, what do you talk about at the table?? Talk about your day or ask a silly question; I love the idea of using Table Topics cards or similar prompting questions to spark conversation. If having some music on in the background isn’t too distracting, that can often be a great way to create a calming or upbeat energy for the meal.
o Lastly, keep conflict out of family mealtime.
{try this at home…}
If your kiddos are old enough to write, have them write down the thoughts, feelings and situations that are bugging them on a piece of paper. Tell them to place that piece paper in a jar or box to come back to after dinner – and then follow through! We want to validate that there might be something they are upset about or need to talk through, but the family table isn’t the place to do that. This can work for adults too!
4. Set Expectations for the Table
o Family meals can be a great opportunity to check in and connect with each other. Set expectation for table manners, and when everyone can leave the table. You certainly don’t need to drag out family meals, and you may even be limited by other commitments and activities, but you likely don’t want everyone to ditch the table right when they finish.
o Be curious if your kiddo is wanting to leave the table. Are there safe foods at the meal that they feel comfortable eating? Is there tension between parents or siblings? Are they truly not that hungry because they just had a snack? Did they just get a new toy that they’re excited to play with? Is it a really nice day and they’re just itching to head outside? It may have nothing to do with the meal itself and being curious can help with helping them to stay at the table or recognizing when they do need the space to leave the table.
5. Eat Together!
o This is stating the obvious, but the goal of creating a positive mealtime environment is to enjoy family meals together! The meal doesn’t have to be elaborate, and it can absolutely be delivered or eaten at a restaurant, and even at a park. All meals of the day, including snacks, count as opportunities to eat together as a family. The idea is that you are spending more time connecting.
