Understanding your own relationship with food and why it matters for your family
It’s conflicting to hear media outlets share one story about loving your body and enjoying what you eat, only to see a segment the next day or week about getting in shape for swimsuit season, preventing holiday weight gain, or the latest article about how “x” food is bad for you. It’s confusing to hear a story about the latest research on eating disorder prevalence in children and adolescents, followed up by these same dieting messages. It’s no wonder that our relationships with food are complex and often distorted.
And that’s just where we are at in society today. Now factor in everything you have experienced around food throughout your life and you’ll get to where you’re at in this moment in your relationship with food.
Let me back up for a minute, because I want to explain why understanding our own relationships with food is so important, not only for ourselves, but our families. Just as the way we were raised in other aspects of our lives play out with our kiddos – whether we are aware of those dynamics or not – the way we were raised around food gets passed onto our kids, unless we take a look and intentionally work toward shifting those relationships. So many parents that I’ve worked with have said, “I was raised with a parent that controlled everything I ate,” “We were never allowed to have [fill in the blank with a food] in the house,” or, “I was put on diets at a very young age, and now my relationship with food has suffered.” They don’t want to pass those generational beliefs (sometimes called legacy burdens) and rules onto their kiddos. Thankfully! That’s such great awareness and intention!
**Let me also be clear- reflecting on our relationships with food isn’t a blame-game. It’s just to bring about awareness and understanding to create positive change. We have information and research now that our parents and their parents didn’t have at the time.**
Below are a handful of questions to guide you in exploring and understanding your relationship with food:
What was food like in my house growing up?
If certain foods were “off-limits” or seen as treats, do you continue to view those or similar foods as “off-limits” or only for special occasions? It would also be understandable if you had an abundance of those foods in your house now because they were “off-limits” when you were younger.
Were other family members frequently dieting or scrutinizing their own bodies or food intake? How did that impact how you viewed your own body and food? Overhearing these comments can send conflicting messages to young brains about what is okay to eat or not eat, and how we must control our bodies with food rather than allowing our bodies to function intuitively.
{start the process…}
Build the story of your relationship with food, from your first memory with food, to what family meals looked like growing up (or maybe didn’t look like). Reflect on the messaging that you received, either directly or indirectly about food. Work your way up to how you feel toward food and nourishing your body today. What connections are you making to how you experience food today and maybe how your kiddos are experiencing food.
What is my dieting history?
If you’ve started diets, stopped diets, finished diets, restarted diets, tried everything-under-the-sun diets – You. Are. Not. Alone. And…how have those diets influenced your relationship with food today? Do the “rules” of certain diets still stick in your mind when you go to grab a cookie, or get seconds at a meal? Do you still limit certain foods or food groups that were “off-limits” on a certain diet. I’m not calling out specific diets because this also includes counting calories, restricting portions or measuring and weighing food, and “cutting out” foods – so not formally named diets. Keep in mind that every time we attempt to control the food we eat, we are telling ourselves that we can’t be trusted with food or our bodies can’t be trusted with food – we need rules, routines, an external entity – to tell us what, when, and how much to eat. How does that feel? Is that the message we want to send to our kiddos – that they can’t trust themselves with food too?
{why it matters…}
While there are many other factors that contribute to the development of eating disorders, dieting is the number one predictor for the development of an eating disorder in children and adolescents. There are many stats to support this, but one that stands out to me is, as early as elementary school, 40% of girls are reporting that they’ve tried to lose weight via dieting. Where are they getting these messages that their bodies aren’t perfectly okay as they are and they need to change them?
How do I speak to myself [or out loud] about food that I eat or don’t eat?
Oh this is a big one! It’s such a normalized experience to say, “I shouldn’t eat that, it’s so unhealthy/bad for you.” Or, “I can’t eat that, it’ll make me gain weight.” Then almost instinctively, the guilt or shame rolls in to make us feel bad when we do eat those foods.
How much of that gets verbalized out loud for, potentially, your kids to hear? Even though you may be referring to yourself in those scenarios, young kiddos soak up our words. Let’s change the narrative around food to only positive or neutral language – it’s as much for you as it is for your family!
How often do I used food to cope or to celebrate?
Eating in response to emotions is absolutely normal and okay to do – no shame! Yes, food provides nourishment for our bodies, but for most of us, we would be ignoring a huge part of our relationship with food if we only ate for that reason. We eat food with others to connect and build relationships, we eat as part of celebrations or for reward, we eat when we are stressed, sad, lonely, because eating food releases feel-good hormones that we need. The bigger question is, how often are we using food for these reasons to the point that food becomes a primary coping skill? And when you observe your kiddos, have they begun to see food as a primary coping skill as well?
When eating becomes the primary tool for coping with emotions, the balance between allowing food to play that role and food as nourishment starts to shift. This is often a great place to seek additional support from a therapist or counselor to explore strategies for coping with emotions, or a dietitian that specializes in improving relationships with food and emotional eating.
What percentage of the day do I spend thinking about, judging, or analyzing what I ate, “should” eat, or want to eat?
Do you experience anxiety around navigating your own food choices – from what to eat to how much to eat? If you find yourself analyzing and judging every food choice, consider your “why.”
There are so many “should’s” and “should not’s” in diet culture, that it often feels like every food choice will make-or-break our diet goals. If our food choices are all about how they will manipulate our bodies, then of course we feel like we have to scrutinize every decision.
What would it be like to allow yourself to eat what sounds good without guilt or to recognize what your body is needing because you are in tune? Maybe it’s time to explore an alternative relationship with food.
Who am I surrounded by and how do they impact my relationship with food – friends, family, social media?
This is such a tricky one! Not because it’s difficult to assess, but because it’s so hard not to be surrounded by messaging about food and diet culture. Again, not a blame-game. We are all influenced by diet culture in some way. Talking about food and dieting is like talking about the weather – it’s become so commonplace that it’s almost like small-talk! So, explore the relationships in your life – are there some that play into a negative relationship with food? Is it possible to set boundaries around food and diet talk in some relationships? Most of those people in our lives don’t have negative intentions when they’re talking about food or dieting, but if it’s truly impacting your relationship with food, you may need to speak up.
In terms of social media – how many accounts have you started following for “motivation” or “diet tips”? Are those serving you positively in your relationship with food? Replace those with accounts that align with the relationship that you want!
{change the conversation: }
When a friend or family member brings up their latest diet, try saying something like, “I’m working on something a little different right now. If you want to know more, I’d be open to talking about it.” Or, if you don’t feel comfortable approaching it from that angle, you might just get really good at changing the subject, and that’s absolutely okay as well!
How do your beliefs about food play out with your kids?
Based on the questions you’ve answered above, where do you see those patterns and rules around food playing out within your family? Are there rules that you were made to follow growing up (i.e clean your plate before you leave the table, or before you get dessert) that you encourage for your kiddos? Do you keep certain foods out of the house either because you don’t feel safe keeping them in the house for you or you worry that your kids will only eat those foods if they’re around? What if you could let go of some of those rules and trust yourself and your kiddos with food?
We’re not going to be able to shelter our kiddos from all of diet culture’s messaging, but your courage to create a “safe zone” at home will help them feel more secure in their relationships with food and body image.
Do you want to explore your relationship with food and want more guidance? Consider working with a registered dietitian and/or therapist that specializes in promoting positive relationships with food and body image.
{try these at home…}
Use these phrases for yourself and share them with your family to start changing the dialogue around food talk!
There are no good foods or bad foods. Food does not have moral value.
This food provides my body with energy and nourishment.
This meal/snack will give me energy to do….
Food is meant to be enjoyed.
Foods provide a variety of nutrients on a spectrum of nutrient density – all foods can fit into my life.
My body is wise and capable of telling me what it needs.
