How to nurture a positive relationship with food in your home
You’ve likely heard that research shows eating family meals has benefits on overall health, weight, and dietary outcomes. Increasing research is showing that family meals may also improve mental and emotional health in families. A 2022 article from the FMI Foundation noted that, “Research consistently reveals a positive relationship between family meal frequency and measures of family functioning. Studies show that family meals improve family connectedness, expressiveness, and problem-solving.”
I’m not here to disagree with this research, but I would add that all of this is likely truer when families, as a whole, have positive relationships with food. What does that even look like? Well, to a certain extent, we each have our own definition of a positive relationship with food because they’re our own unique relationships. My definition of a positive relationship with food is one in which all foods are allowed in the home without judgment. One caveat to that would be if someone was allergic to a food or needed to exclude it for medical reasons (i.e. celiac disease, severe nut allergy, etc.). Food, cooking, and eating are spoken about in a positive or neutral manner. There would be no labeling of foods as “good” or “bad.” If food is labeled as “healthy” or “less healthy,” then all members of the family are aware that eating “healthy” or “less healthy” foods is not a reflection of one’s value, strength, or worth. Foods fall on a spectrum of nutrient density, and eating foods along that spectrum is a part of normal eating patterns. Diets and diet culture hold little impact on you and your family members. And because our society is filled with diet culture’s influence, your house is a “safe zone” for being able to provide guidance when the next diet fad pops up.
Sound like your household? Great! If not, and you’re thinking that definition sounds pretty nice – maybe too nice – hold on. It’s totally possible to get there, it doesn’t have to happen overnight, and I want to help.
I know I offered a lengthy definition of a positive relationship with food, and I also know there’s nuance within each family. But as a dietitian, I have worked with numerous families and individuals that have shared the challenges of their relationships with food and history with eating disorders. I’m also now raising two kiddos of my own in this diet-centric society. I hold a lot of hope for change in this area and passionately want all families and households to feel confident and joyful in nourishing their bodies! So with that, let’s dive into some ways in which you can start nurturing a positive relationship with food in your home.
Let’s take inventory -
1. Take inventory of your current relationship with food and reflect on how you grew up around food as well. Yes, I’m asking you to get a little uncomfortable and dig into your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around food. Did you grow up in a household that had “off-limits” foods? Were certain foods only seen as “treats” for special occasions? Did your family struggle with food scarcity, and the idea of not finishing your plate feels wasteful. Or on the other hand, did your family have “clean plate” rules, which asked you to ignore your intuitive eating abilities. Has dieting played a role or are there certain beliefs about what it means to eat “healthy.”
Our answers to these questions shape our relationship with food, and they can – sometimes unknowingly- get passed on to our children, even when we have the greatest of intentions. We have to be willing to look at our own history with food and address those pieces that contribute to negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around food.
2. Take inventory of the food that is in your home. Are there foods that you don’t allow in the house, whether that’s always or sometimes? Are they off-limits because of your relationship with that food? I hear this a lot when it comes to sweets with kiddos. “If I keep them in the house, that’s all they’ll want to eat.” Or, “If I buy them for the kids, I’ll end up eating them too.” The truth is that NOT keeping them in the house gives these foods so much power that, when our kids (or we) finally have access to them, they may eat more than their bodies are hungry for because 1) they’re highly enjoyable and 2) they assume they’ll “lose” access later without any reassurance that they’ll be able to have that food again soon. When all foods are seen as equally available, no one food holds more power or intrigue over another. Our kiddos don’t have to question if they’ll get to have those foods again.
On the other hand, are there foods that you put “on a pedestal” in the house and feel like you MUST get your kids to eat at every meal in order to be healthy – *cough* vegetables and proteins, from what I hear the most. Fruit comes in at a close third, typically. We want to offer those foods, and it’s absolutely okay for us to recognize the value of nutrient density that these foods provide– I love when clients truly understand the role of food in nourishing their bodies! But pressuring our kiddos to eat any food often results in a power struggle that’s just not worth the 1 or 2 bites you might get per meal. There are more effective and compassionate ways of trusting that your kiddos are getting the nutrients their bodies need.
Try this at home: Choose a food that you’ve been limiting at home to bring back into the house. Have a conversation with everyone in the house, “I am buying “X” at the grocery store. I know I have typically only bought “X” on special occasions, but I am going to plan to have it in the house more regularly (you can be concrete about this if you’d like based on budget or other factors – i.e. I’ll plan to buy a new container every other week). We’re still going to have other foods for snacks and desserts, but we’ll have “X” as an option more often.”
The goal is that this food (X) can still be enjoyed, but it is seen as one of many foods that your family enjoys – not a treat that is held on a pedestal for special occasions only. Depending on the ages of your kiddos, you may still be in charge of deciding what’s on the menu for all meals and snacks. If your kiddos are older and have more freedom, this is an opportunity for them to practice regulating their intuitive eating skills and there may be more room for gentle nutrition education.
3. Take inventory of the information that your kids are learning, observing and bringing home about food, nutrition, exercise and body image. This is a tricky one – admittedly I’m not here yet with my own kiddos, but I hear about it a lot from kiddos, adolescents and young adults. From social media to friend groups, to health class, and sports – they are being bombarded by information as much as we are as adults. Your kids need you to be a “safe place” when it comes to food and body image concerns. Which leads me to our next checkpoint…
4. Positive or neutral food language only - please. The way we speak about food and eating around our kids is so important. Same goes with our bodies and weight, but I’ll save that for another post. I totally get that you might be talking about a food that only you ate, or in relationship to yourself when you say, “Ugh, I shouldn’t have ate that [fill in the blank with a food], it’s so bad for you.” Little ears might be listening and might interpret that it’s “so bad” for them too. As an adult, when you eat something that you’ve labeled as “bad,” how does that tend to make you feel about yourself? Does that label impart any sense of guilt or shame? For a lot of us, it can. And the same feelings can be passed onto our children, even when we didn’t intend for it to happen.
Not that you need it from me, but here is your permission to let go of any guilt or shame around food. And the reality is, that food is likely not “so bad” for either of you!
Try this at home: Increase awareness of the language that you use around food. Write down phrases or comments you catch yourself saying about food/eating. This is a great place to start in decreasing negative food talk while shifting to use positive and neutral language.
5. Consider the different eating styles and personalities in your home. Everyone is different and has different taste preferences. Take these into consideration. This doesn’t mean we’re having a free for all when it comes to mealtimes! Structure and routine are actually important, especially for younger kiddos.
If you have selective eaters at home, plan meals that incorporate accepted foods at each meal, even if that looks like having dinner rolls at most meals or if it’s just the side dish that they’ll eat. Minimize pointing out your kiddo’s “pickiness” – it usually feels like pressure and that doesn’t feel good.
Try this at home: Get your kids involved by asking them to make a list of their favorite foods. Have them include meals and snack foods. (if you have younger kiddos, write their list for them, but still let them share their ideas). Brainstorm a handful of meals that incorporate each kiddos’ preferred foods. The main entrée might be one kiddo’s favorite dinner, but then you add another kiddo’s favorite side dish; or, make sure to serve that entrée with another’s favorite fruit. Don’t forget about your own taste preferences as well! See how many meals you can come up with. Not every meal has to meet everyone’s food preferences, but at least having one or two accepted foods at a meal means everyone has something to eat and fill up on.
6. Take inventory of your family’s schedule, routines. Are your schedules jam packed with activities? Do work schedules mean that one caregiver must often miss family mealtime? Are kids old enough to take on some responsibility with preparing breakfasts or lunches? All of these schedules impact the frequency and likelihood of having family meals – and those schedules may be out of your control – but taking inventory of where everyone in the family is on a daily basis around mealtimes might allow for scheduling a few family dinners. Or, maybe you prioritize weekend meals together or an evening snack when everyone gets home. Perhaps breakfast is the only time of day where everyone is home at the same time – that connection over food can create powerful shifts, not only in relationship to food, but with each other. I want to add – family meals don’t necessarily have to be meals that you made at home. Going to a restaurant, getting take out or delivery, also counts as a family meal – it’s about being together.
7. Set yourself up for success at mealtimes. Just like you are working on shifting your language about food to be only positive or neutral, limit the comments on how much or how little your child is eating. Avoid pressuring them to eat more or cutting them off of a certain food (as long as there is plenty for them to eat/share with everyone else). Again, this creates power struggles. It also implies that we don’t trust our kids to listen to their bodies, and kids are naturally more intuitive with food when they are set up for success.
Now that you’ve taken inventory of your family’s relationship with food, how do you feel? It’s okay if there are areas where you feel like improvements could be make – no judgment from me and you don’t need to judge yourself. We’re an ongoing work in progress at our house as well. Especially as our kiddos get older, I know there are aspects around food and mealtime we have yet to navigate. Your relationship with food is one that has evolved and continues to evolve. It’s never too late to shift your relationship with food – to help your kids build a better relationship with food.
Where to start…
Make sure everyone in the house is onboard, especially the heads of the house! It’s totally okay to have a conversation with your kiddos and let them know that you are working on developing a more positive relationship with food as a family. Your conversation could sound something like this:
“We (heads of the house) have noticed that we don’t speak very nicely about food and tend to label a lot of foods as good and bad, or healthy and unhealthy. We want to work to change this as a family, because we are learning that all food is okay, and we can still nourish our bodies with a variety of foods – some that are more nutrient dense and some that are less nutrient dense. We are going to work on keeping more food in the house, like “x, y, and z,” because we don’t want those foods to feel off limits. We’ll keep these conversations going, and we want you to feel like you can come to us if you have any food questions or concerns.”
